E8: Flash #3

[Spider-Man Beyond]

E8: Flash #3

Written by Jollyoldsaint
Edited by Daniel Dyer (Spider-Man Beyond)

2007 had not been a good year for the Central City Museum of Lies.

"HEY," shouted the building's as-yet unseen intruder. "Can you even hear me? I'm standing in your shadow! You stupid golden... ah, it's no use."

"Kzzt-” stated the golden automoton holding John Fox. "VOICE MODULATION NOT A THREAT. UNEQUIPPED TO DETECT SOURCE. IGNORE. PROCEED WITH CHARGE FOR CLEAN AMPUTATION.”

Letter A number three letter P number eight letter K letter Y letter J number forty-seven, thought Fox. Wait. Maybe this won't be so bad. It's just a leg, I can always get a new one... assuming I survive this. Which I won't...

Roy Bivolo wanted to die."You're real," he choked. "Not just the robots, but you... Harvey, you invisible BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Kzzt-” exclaimed the drone holding Bivolo. "ADRENALINE IN THIS UNIT RISING."

"Kzzt-” the drone holding Fox answered. "DELAY AMPUTATION. SEDATE.”

The one-armed unit's hand reverted from a hacksaw into its four-fingered form. One of the machine's fingertips opened to reveal a syringe. After a partial turn, however, it abruptly halted.

“Kzzt-” the three drones spoke in unision. "DESIGNATION 3 VARIABLE BLOODSTREAM DETECTED." The one-armed drone's fingertip closed. "MOVING TO INTER... INTER.... INTER..."

The one-armed drone's arm detached and fell to the ground. Its legs followed suit. Several hidden components spilled from its chest as the light faded from the drone's single eye.

All three drones had fallen apart. Fox turned to see the cause. Bivolo already knew the answer.

"Howdy," greeted what appeared to be a floating head. "I'm Nick Ke... sorry, forget I said that. I'm Argus Kovak, agent of If I Told You I'd Have To Kill You."

Fox raised an eyebrow at the sight. "What in the seven mazes of the number fifty-eight are you?"

"And why shouldn't I kill you?" asked Bivolo.

"Seven mazes of...? Right. Well, I did just save you," stated the head. "And I might be fired for that. Blew my cover and everything. If I was anyone else, they'd probably kill me... actually, knowing my boss... anyway. Look, Roy, I know we've had our differences. What with me spying on you and pretending to be a hallucination... ever since that thing in eighty-two... but this goes past you and me."

"The hell it does," Bivolo spat. "What are these things? How'd you stop them?"

"Time police," Kovak offered. "Or something like that. There'll be more, but not for a while. Time travel's a finicky thing. As for how I stopped them, well... like I said, time travel's a finicky thing. Hold on a minute, I'm gonna shift the rest of my body."

Sure enough, the rest of Argus' body gradually faded into view. He was covered from the neck down in thin black armor.

"Gives me a headache every time I do that. Head's easy, but once you reach the aorta..."

"How?" Bivolo and Fox asked, their tones quite different.

Argus shook his head. "Didn't the Judge C-3P0s say it? Something in my blood... long story, that. Short version's that an alien raped me. I can also see the whole electromagnetic spectrum now. Hell of a thing, I can tell you... took some time to get used to. But that's not what you really want to ask, is it?"

Bivolo gritted his teeth. "Why?"

"Now THAT," exclaimed Argus, "is the twenty-jillion dollar question! Why, indeed? Quite a tale I have to tell... more of one than you'd expect from a man who's spent half his life stalking another man! Heck, maybe even more of one than you'd expect from a man who got raped by a freakin' alien! WOW, I can't believe that didn't get a reaction from you. Scarred me for life, you jerks. But before I tell my story we have to move - you. What are you waiting for? Get vibrating."

Fox gave an incredulous look. "Uh... this really isn't the time or place. And I don't even know you... and to be honest, you're not really my type..."

Argus sighed. "Yeah, he said you'd be useless. Guess you need some kind of emotional trigger. Which is why he told me to tell you that he took your collection. And he'll burn one a minute until you're out of that wa-what the hell?"

Fox had become a flesh-colored blur of motion. The wall tore apart as he flew across the room. Their eyes scarcely able to follow, Bivolo and Argus turned around. It appeared that Fox had crashed headlong into another wall. He had created a sizeable hole, but appeared unconscious from the impact.

"Well, well," mused Argus. "Not quite what I expected. Still works."

Bivolo looked at the two holes in his museum. "What in the hell," he asked, "IS that guy?"

"Our hope for the future," muttered Argus. "God help us all."

* * *

[Spider-Man Beyond]

Plunder laid a set of blueprints in front of his fellow thieves. "Alright. Let's go over this one more time. The Candyman, one of the Network heads, made this factory his base of operation. It's almost certain he'll be there tomorrow. So we kill or threaten him depending on how smoothly this goes. Agreed?"

"Agreed," Plunder's seven companions said in unison.

"Good. Mirror Master will take Icicle and Chillblaine inside the Network factory. They'll stir up a ruckus and cause general confusion. Kid Trickster, you'll lure the front guards into Turtleman's trap. Major Disaster, you'll storm the front entrance and take out anyone in your way. Folded Man will cut an entrance to the back of the building. I'll follow him in."

"There's something I don't like about this plan," stated Major Disaster.

"Quit whining," Plunder ordered. "You have chaos powers. You can handle yourself."

"Yeah," said Major Disaster, "but you have the bulletproof armor."

Plunder laughed. "I seem to recall you didn't want to be weighed down."

Major Disaster clenched his fist. "We've been over this. The thing about chaos is that it's CHAOTIC! It changes all the time. The threads I see are useless without a quick mind and a quicker hand! But as useful as they can be, they won't do me much good if I'm shot!"

After releasing a heavy sigh, Plunder nodded. "Fine. If you're gonna be a pansy, I'll storm the front. Major, you go with the Folded Man. We meet at the Candyman's office - whoever gets there first makes sure he stays there. We act at the crack of noon. Agreed?"

"Agreed," the seven other thieves said once more.

"Wait," said Kid Trickster. "I've got a thing at noon."

Plunder glared at him. "You're an orphan. You're ten. We're your only friends. And we hate you. A lot. Which means you're joking or you want to sleep late. And neither one's gonna fly."

"I... damn," said the boy. "I don't know why I hang with you geezers."

The boy then glanced at Icicle. "Oh, yeah. Heh, heh... forgot about those."

"Don't do it, Fred," Plunder halfheartedly requested.

Kid Trickster wondered what Plunder was speaking of until he noticed the freeze gun at his head.

With a cold sweat, the boy looked up at Chillblaine. "Uh... howsaboutatruce?"

The boy was frozen shortly thereafter.

"Damnit, Fred," scolded Plunder. "That blast got the blueprints all moist."

* * *

[Spider-Man Beyond]

An immense ship sailed across the North Atlantic Ocean. It bore the initials IITYIHTKY on one side. Within the ship were roughly two thousand crew members. Every single one hated the ship's captain, who was screaming at his navigators.

"If I say we turn this ship around, WE TURN THIS DAMN SHIP AROUND! JESUS H. CRIMANY, HOW DID I GET STUCK WITH THIS JOB?! NO ONE EVER LISTENS! Christ, I miss the war... well. Wars. The good ones, I mean. With the jetpacks and the Russian spies who slept with you, tried to kill you, and tried to kill you by sleeping with you. And, God, I missed the soldiers who'd go to a needless death without whining. Yeah, those were the days..."

"M... mister Rage, sir," one crew member dared to speak.
"We've already gone out of our way... uh... I've lost count of how many times to follow your agenda. But the President did ask us to meet with that Khandaq ambassador. We're several months behind schedule and we don't have the fuel to go back again."

"We've got paddles," the Captain grunted. "This crew wasn't a bunch a sissies, we could be back before I sort out how to smoke this ten-inch wide cigar!"

"Be that as it may," the crew member responded, "is it really worth it? To go that far just to kill one of our agents? I mean, he must be a thousand miles away. Sure, he blew his cover, but shouldn't bringing peace to the US and Khandaq come first?"

The other crew members looked at each other nervously. Their fate had been sealed.

A flare lit up in the Captain's eyes. "Hahahahahahahah... Ted Rage, old man, you've found something to do."

The flagship of the If I Told You I'd Have To Kill You organization made a full course reversal.

-To be continued